33 лучших юмористических рассказа на английском / 33 Best Humorous Short Stories

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�What was his special line?’

�He was a gentleman of leisure travellin’ for his health afore he got into the toils o’ the law. His real name is Marmaduke Fitztappington De Wolfe, of Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire. He landed in this country of a Tuesday, took to collectin’ souvenir spoons of a Friday, was jugged the same day, tried, convicted, and there he sets. In for two years more.’

�How interesting!’ I said. �Was the evidence against him conclusive?’

�Extremely.

�He pleaded guilty, I suppose?’

�Not him. He claimed to be as innocent as a new-born babe. Told a cock-and-bull story about havin’ been deluded by spirits, but the judge and jury wasn’t to be fooled. They gave him every chance, too. He even cabled himself, the judge did, to Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea, Warwickshire, at his own expense, to see if the man was an impostor, but he never got no reply. There was them as said there wasn’t no such place as Pelhamhurst-by-the-Sea in Warwickshire, but they never proved it.

�I should like very much to interview him,’ said I.

�It can’t be done, sir,’ said my guide. �The rules is very strict.’

�You couldn’t er – arrange an interview for me,’ I asked, jingling a bunch of keys in my pocket.

He must have recognized the sound, for he colored and gruffly replied, �I has me orders, and I obeys �em.’

�Just – er – add this to the pension fund,’ I put in, handing him a five-dollar bill.

�I didn’t say impossible,’ he answered, with a grateful smile. �I said against the rules, but we has been known to make exceptions. I think I can fix you up.’

Suffice it to say that he did �fix me up,’ and that two hours later 5010 and I sat down together in the cell of the former, a not too commodious stall, and had a pleasant chat, in the course of which he told me the story of his life, which, as I had surmised, was to me, at least, exceedingly interesting, and easily worth twice the amount of my contribution to the pension fund under the management of my guide of the morning.

�My real name,’ said the unfortunate convict, �as you may already have guessed, is not 5010. That is an alias forced upon me by the State authorities. My name is really Austin Merton Surrennes.’

�Ahem!’ I said.