Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

* * *

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21 - Human Resources – отдел кадров] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22 - fresh out of – только что из] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

“About ₤125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

[23 - benefits package – социальный пакет]”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24 - matching retirement fund – пенсионный фонд за счёт компании] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years – say,[25 - say – скажем] a red Corvette?[26 - Corvette – «Корвет» (марка машины)]”

The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27 - Wow! – возглас удивления] Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.

”

* * *

As a senior citizen[28 - senior citizen – человек пенсионного возраста; пожилой человек] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Heck,[29 - Heck! – Чёрт!]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

* * *

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

– I can’t find a cause for your complaint.

Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.

– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.

* * *

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

* * *

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.