The Twelve Chairs / Двенадцать стульев. Книга для чтения на английском языке

The scissors clicked, the hairs fell to the floor, and five minutes later Father Theodore knew he was absolutely no good at beard-clipping. His beard was all askew; it looked unbecoming and even suspicious.

Fiddling about for a while longer, Father Theodore became highly irritated, called his wife, and, handing her the scissors, said peevishly:

В«You can help me, Mother. I can't do anything with these rotten hairsВ».

His wife threw up her hands in astonishment.

В«What have you done to yourself?В» she finally managed to say.

«I haven't done anything. I'm trimming my beard. It seems to have gone askew just here…».

В«Heavens!В» said his wife, attacking his curls. В«Surely you're not joining the Renovators, Theo dear?В»

Father Theodore was delighted that the conversation had taken this turn.

В«And why shouldn't I join the Renovators, Mother? They're human-beings, aren't they?В»

В«Of course they're human-beingsВ», conceded his wife venomously, В«but they go to the cinema and pay alimonyВ».

В«Well, then, I'll go to the cinema as wellВ».

В«Go on then!В»

«ХTwill!»

В«You'll get tired of it. Just look at yourself in the mirrorВ».

And indeed, a lively black-eyed countenance with a short, odd-looking beard and an absurdly long moustache peered out of the mirror at Father Theodore. They trimmed down the moustache to the right proportions.

What happened next amazed Mother still more.

Father Theodore declared that he had to go off on a business trip that very evening, and asked his wife to go round to her brother, the baker, and borrow his fur-collared coat and duck-billed cap for a week.

В«I won't goВ», said his wife and began weeping.

Father Theodore walked up and down the room for half an hour, frightening his wife by the change in his expression and telling her all sorts of rubbish. Mother could understand only one thing-for no apparent reason Father Theodore had cut his hair, intended to go off somewhere in a ridiculous cap, and was leaving her for good.

В«I'm not leaving youВ», he kept saying. В«I'm not. I'll be back in a week. A man can have a job to do, after all. Can he or can't he?В»

В«No, he can'tВ», said his wife.

Father Theodore even had to strike the table with his fist, although he was normally a mild person in his treatment of his near ones.