Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes

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– Hi, Mary! How was your school today? – You can read all about it on my Facebook, dad!

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Wife: Yesterday night I saw a dream that you were sending me expensive clothes and jewelry. Husband: Yeah, and I saw a dream that your dad was paying the bill.

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Teacher to doctor’s daughter: Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father! The doctor’s daughter: Think twice, teacher. Daddy always charges 50 dollars for each visit.

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If a single teacher can’t teach us all subjects, then how can a student learn all these subjects?

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Boy: Our principal[13 - principal – директор школы] is so stupid.

Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No. Girl: I am the principal’s daughter. Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No. Boy: Good. (Walks away).

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It takes[14 - it takes – требуется] 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam. Save trees! Say no to exams!

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Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

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I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

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John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet. «Hey, what are you doing in there?» «I’m riding a bus.» «That’s a stupid answer!» «That’s a stupid question!»

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– David, your ideas are like diamonds. – You mean they are so valuable? – No, I mean they are so rare.

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One woman says to her friend: – I hope he likes me. Do you think he will call? Maybe I was too strong.

 – Relax. If a recruiter wants you he will call you.

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«Medicine won’t help you at all,» the doctor told his patient. «What you need is a complete change of living. Get away[15 - get away – отправляйтесь] to some quiet country place for a month. Go to bed early, eat more fruit, drink plenty of good rich milk, and smoke just one cigar a day[16 - one cigar a day – одну сигару в день]». A month later the patient walked into the doctor’s office.

He looked like a new man, and the doctor told him so. «Yes, doctor, your advice certainly helped me. I went to bed early and did all the other things you told me. But, I say, doctor, that one cigar a day almost killed me at first. To start to smoke at my age!»

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I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.[17 - take my advice – следуют моим советам]

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The best part of my job is that my chair swivels.