Ловушка для Мыслеформы. A Trap for a Thought-Form. Премия им. М. Булгакова / M. Bulgakov Award (Билингва: Rus/Eng)

Yes, nonsense! Over the years, the more I liked a man, the more I feared him. I was afraid to do something wrong (to say, to write, to look…), of not being liked and, as a result, of losing the one I could easily communicate for some other questions with.

I hid my feelings so deep to let them be unknown to the man, in order to avoid the pain from another loss of hope, when he would say something like, «It’s nice! But you’re too late. All the seats were taken long ago!»

I wanted a man to be a leader, to take my hand and lead me somewhere far away.

Even in such case I would be scared that he would say, «I love you!», I would believe him, and next day he would take his words back, «Me? You? What else love?» And then…

«What’s the point of that reasoning now? 39 nights, and I’m free!»

Of course, I didn’t call or write anything to Roman, so I turned off the light and went to bed. However, as I tossed from side to side in search of oblivion, I suddenly noticed a message on my phone. I glanced at my watch, it was past midnight.

Automatic notification from a social network informed me of the birthday of Pasha, that waiter boy from the Greek restaurant near the Dark Tower.

We had known each other for years, but he «befriended» me online last autumn, if my memory served me right.

I automatically typed «Happy Birthday» in his timeline, without even an exclamation mark and any wishes, when I suddenly drew attention to the current date and got stunned, because it was Ray’s date of birth! The year was different, of course, Ray was older than me, and Pasha was just a boy.

«Hi, my girl! How u?» I received an instant response in a private chat, filled with Latin letters in my language.

«Ok, and you?»

«Viber? Whatsup? Want 2 call u.»

I took a deep breath in and out. Without asking stupid questions, despite the fact that in all those years we had nothing in common, except seafood salad, chicken and coffee, I gave him my number. And just a couple of minutes later I got the following.

«Miss u. Much much, true say!»

I got out of bed, turned on the night light, took Tarot cards and pulled out two at random… «The Devil» and «The Knight of Cups»!

«Are you writing this to me?»

«U Alice yes. Why? I call u?»

He didn’t wait for my answer and called. I dropped it.

«Sorry, I’m sleeping. Have a good night!»

I wrote that and immediately switched off the phone.

The Matrix was fundamentally buggy.