Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

“Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county government,[32 - county government – администрация округа]” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike.

I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

* * *

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.

The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist.

“Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

* * *

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.

”

* * *

A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:

“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”

“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.

* * *

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space.

The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently.