Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

“That little bottle – how does it know?”

* * *

The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33 - GI – солдат, подчинённый] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34 - panting heavily – задыхаясь]

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.

Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

* * *

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35 - beat the alarm – встал раньше будильника] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine”, said the boss.

* * *

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“And what’s phase one?”

“I’ve quit buying.