Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42 - drops dead – падает замертво] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”

* * *

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”

“Because he had no-body to go with!”

* * *

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43 - defence lawyer – адвокат] says to his client.

“What’s the bad news?”

The lawyer says:

“Your blood matches the DNA[44 - DNA – ДНК (дезоксирибонуклеиновая кислота)] found at the murder scene.[45 - murder scene – место преступления]”

“Dammit![46 - Dammit! – Проклятие! Чёрт побери!]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

* * *

“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”

“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach[47 - coach – игра слов: наставник, карета] was a pumpkin.

* * *

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:

“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards[48 - Valentine cards – открытки ко дню св. Валентина] signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

* * *

A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.[49 - self-esteem – самооценка] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.