Three Men in a Boat (To say Nothing of the Dog) / Трое в лодке, не считая собаки

From Euston, I took the cheeses down to my friend’s house.  When his wife came into the room she smelt round for an instant.  Then she said:

“What is it?  Tell me the worst.”

I said:

“It’s cheeses.  Tom bought them in Liverpool, and asked me to bring them up with me.”

And I added that I hoped she understood that it had nothing to do with me; and she said that she was sure of that, but that she would speak to Tom about it when he came back.

My friend was detained in Liverpool longer than he expected; and, three days later, as he hadn’t returned home, his wife called on me.

В  She said:

“What did Tom say about those cheeses?”

I replied that he had directed they were to be kept in a moist place, and that nobody was to touch them.

She said:

“Nobody’s likely to touch them.  Had he smelt them?”

I thought he had, and added that he seemed greatly attached to them.

“You think he would be upset,” she queried, “if I gave a man a sovereign to take them away and bury them?”

I answered that I thought he would never smile again.

An idea struck her.В  She said:

“Do you mind keeping them for him?  Let me send them round to you.”

“Madam,” I replied, “for myself I like the smell of cheese, and the journey the other day with them from Liverpool I shall ever look back upon as a happy ending to a pleasant holiday.  But, in this world, we must consider others.  The lady under whose roof I have the honour of residing is a widow, and, for all I know, possibly an orphan too.

  She has a strong, I may say an eloquent, objection to being what she terms �put upon.’  The presence of your husband’s cheeses in her house she would, I instinctively feel, regard as a �put upon’; and it shall never be said that I put upon the widow and the orphan.”

“Very well, then,” said my friend’s wife, rising, “all I have to say is, that I shall take the children and go to an hotel until those cheeses are eaten.

  I decline to live any longer in the same house with them.”

She kept her word, leaving the place in charge of the charwoman, who, when asked if she could stand the smell, replied, “What smell?” and who, when taken close to the cheeses and told to sniff hard, said she could detect a faint odour of melons.  It was argued from this that little injury could result to the woman from the atmosphere, and she was left.